Serving two masters...

"You cannot be the slave of two masters! You will like one more than the other or be more loyal to one than the other. You cannot serve both God and money."

- Matthew 6: 24, Contemporary English Version

I'm probably taking the above Scripture a little out of context, but at the moment I feel that it applies particularly to me - hence my reason for not updating the blog for some time.

Someone sent me the attached picture as a suggestion for squeezing more hours out of my day, but I'm not QUITE sure that this is the answer! I also have this annoying need to sleep, and unlike some of my fellow bloggers, I become absolutely comatose if I break my cardinal rule of "never going to bed on the same day you intend waking up", which basically means that I am worse than a drunk if I have had less than 6 1/2 hours of sleep.

As readers of this blog already know, I am well into the process of candidating for the Methodist ministry. But I also have an accounting and tax consultancy which I am in the process of winding down in preparation for going full-time into ministry next year. On top of that, I am working part-time as a pastoral assistant at the st Andrews Methodist Church in Eldorado Park, and in between all of that I am also in my second year of BTh at TEE College.

The past couple of weeks has been absolutely crazy! On the candidature side, I have submitted my "Essaqy on Methodism", and also made arrangements for my "out of Circuit" trial service, which takes place in the Zola (Soweto) Circuit on 6 April 2008.

Circuit work has also kept me quite busy, especially during Holy Week where I attended seven services and preached at three of them. (When time permits, I will write about my experiences during this special week in the lofe of our Church). On Easter Monday a few of us had the privilege of visiting the coronationville Women and Children's Hospital, where we distributed Easter eggs to children of all ages (including some rather "big" kids in nurses' uniforms!). Yesterday seemed to be THE weekend for ministers' weekends off, as I had three services to conduct at two different venues - a foretaste of what full-time ministers experience, perhaps?

Now this would be all good and dandy if the South African Revenue Service didn't interfere with my ministry work by imposing their silly deadline to have tax returns submitted. The result of this was clients clamouring for my attention as we scrambled to meet the cut-off. Not to mention the usual VAT return submissions, plus I had to do two sets of interim accounts for another client.

In between all of this, there was a function at my son's school, and being on the parent / staff committee, I needed to attend. Ditto for the school's "Welcoming Braai", where the other committee members derive much amusement value from having me run the pub. Perhaps the combination of being a candidate Methodist minister and an accountant means that the stock is in good hands? (Being an Anglican school, they do not have the same misgivings concerning alcohol consumption that we Methodists do, provided that those who indulge do so responsibly. I do not consume alcoholic beverages myself, but this is as a result of personal choice rather than any restrictions imposed on me by my church). Since I am likely to be spending a couple of years away from home during the first part of probation, it is important that I remain in touch with what's happening in my son's life as much as possible.

So you can appreciate that when I was unable to collect some of a probationer's missing material from TEE College on a particular day (which I was doing as a favour), and her response to me when I requested that she go to the College personally if she wanted it on that particular day was "Not today - it's my day off", I had a slight sense of humour failure - particularly since I have managed to spend exactly three days in total during the whole of 2008 thus far where I haven't been involved in ministry, accounting, or other duties.

At least by the end of this year I will have wound down the accounting practice, ready to devote my full energies to ministry as I enter Phase One of probation. Until then, I am in the unsatisfying position of "serving two masters", and getting through 2008 is going to be a question of survival.

Thank God that He is the one from Whom I can draw strength...

In honour of our "Proverbs 31" wives

Whenever I am asked whether my wife "works", I have to choose my words carefully. The reason? Although my wife is not employed outside the home in a conventional "job" where she clocks in for eight hours a day, for which she would receive money, she definitely works VERY hard in her role as housewife / homemaker / home executive / stay-at-home mom / psychologist / transport manager / CEO (what DO you call these precious souls nowadays?).

So when I received this e-mail this morning, it was a stark reminder of just how MUCH work our wives who "don't work" actually do. Therefore, if you are a guy and your good lady is not employed outside the home, and you are feeling a bit resentful about having to go out to the salt mines each day, just consider what could happen if the roles were to be reversed...

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through, so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the cheque book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 pm and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he somehow managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were."

"You'll just have to wait nine months, though - you got pregnant last night."

Thank you, Lord, for sparing me from this hell! And thank you, Belinda, for putting up with it without complaint, going about your daily chores "as unto the Lord". You are truly the greatest gift that God could have ever given to me.

F1 - the greatest sport in the world!

At the time I was writing this post, it was 9 days, 7 hours, 14 minutes, and 39 seconds to the start of the first Formula One race of 2008, to be held in Melbourne, Australia.

Once again, the Philistines who put together the Circuit preaching plan have put me down for three services on that day! (Just kidding...thank you, Lord, for blessing me with a video recorder...)

May the best black driver win (a subtle hint as to who I support, perhaps?)

To all those wannabee Bishops

This one's going to get me into trouble...I KNOW it is - but I couldn't resist it!

It was during my daily trawling through some of my favourite blogs that I came across this video of the song, "Start Wearing Purple". The chorus of this ditty goes thus...

Start wearing purple wearing purple (da da da da da)
Start wearing purple for me now
All your sanity and wits they will all vanish
I promise, it's just a matter of time...

It was posted by Paul Martin, a British Methodist minister who has a blog entitled "Turbulent Cleric". This post was entitled "In expectancy of Methodist Bishops", and it got me thinking about the nomination process currently underway for candidates to stand as our next District Bishop.

Judging by the general gossip that one hears among the clergy, it seems that the prospect of holding office as a District Bishop ranges from "life's ambition to wear a purple shirt" to "a punishment surpassed only by hell itself".

Like many offices in the Church, becoming Bishop has to be in response to a call from God, otherwise you would have to be completely insane. A couple of weeks ago I posted a tribute to Paul Verryn, current Bishop of the Central District, and when I think of the workload that he carries, the nonsense that he often has to put up with (sometimes from me), and the fact that despite there being 21 Circuits in this District, he still manages to get round to each Circuit fairly frequently, all things considered, his ministry is nothing short of incredible.

Whether Paul Verryn continues as our Bishop, or someone else steps in to fill what are very large shoes indeed, will only be decided at our upcoming Synod. But if any readers of this blog have designs on wearing the "purple shirt", give this video a quick squizz...

Dear Mr Nice Officer

I reported yesterday on my "fine" Monday morning, courtesy of the licence disc falling off my Vuka. So this morning, once I had obtained a duplicate disc from the local Metro offices, I decided to go to the Traffic Department to see if there was anyone who would listen to my tale of woe.

A very kind officer, having heard my outpourings, immediately reduced my R200 fine by half. However, he told me that he could not reduce it any further as this required the authority of a magistrate or traffic prosecutor - which meant presenting myself in court.

Since it would probably cost me more in terms of time spent to go and plead my case before the appropriate authority, I decided to cut my losses and pay the 100 bucks. (PS: The above image is the bracket on the back of my Vuka, clearly showing the "missing in action" licence disc. The replacement disk will be firmly taped to the INSIDE of my carrier box!)

Advice for conducting services in African languages (other than English or Afrikaans)

I recently read a post on fellow ministry candidate Jenny Hillebrand's blog, in which she related her experiences of preaching to a congregation in a cross-cultural context. I got the impression that she felt a little out of her depth - much as I did when I first had the privilege of leading worship in a language other than in English.

That's not to say that I speak one of the 9 official languages that exists alongside English and Afrikaans, much to my own loss. However, learning to speak one of these languages is on my list of "things to do" by the end of 2009, and with my Phase One year likely to be in a cross-cultural context, I hope to finish next year at least being able to hold a rudimentary conversation in either Xhosa, Zulu, Sesotho, or Setswana (the language will depend on where the Church chooses to send me, since particular languages predominate in particular areas).

But getting back to Jenny. She was looking for some advice (and probably some encouragement as well) on how to conduct such services, and like Herman G who commented on her post, I can only speak from my own experiences.

Before I realised it, I had listed six points in my reply, so I felt that I just HAD to share these here as well (modified slightly to take us guys into account as well):

1. Your dress is critical if you want to gain their respect up front - this means preaching in a "Model T" suit (i.e. any colour you like, as long as it is black). For our lady preachers, this means black skirt (knee-length or slightly longer), black jacket, white long-sleeved blouse, and plain black tie, while for us guys, a black suit and tie, white shirt, and black shoes with a shine that makes one think of Jesus' Second Coming are in order. Don't worry about perspiration when preaching in 40-degree heat - one of the Manyano ladies is bound to "bail you out" with a glass of water and some tissues (although you may want to take your own tissues or handkerchief if preaching in an informal settlement, since these are expensive commodities).


2. Get a Xhosa-speaking friend to help you with the pronunciation of the liturgy (if you are not Xhosa-speaking), and try to follow it as far as possible. The "Sakudumisa" is an absolute must, as is the Xhosa Lord's Prayer. No matter how badly you butcher the words, the congregation WILL appreciate the effort - trust me on this one!


3. Try to slot in anecdotes that will resonate with the congregation. This may mean that you need to be up to date with the score in the latest Chiefs / Pirates game (as long as you don't show TOO strong a bias to either team). However, be careful with politics - avoid if possible unless it has a direct bearing on your message.


4. For Scripture readings, I always do them in English, and then invite one of the members of the congregation to do the same reading in Xhosa (as well as Sesotho / Setswana, if applicable). I usually do OT first, then allow interpretation, then NT, and so on. Most of the time, it is their custom to stand during the reading of the Gospel, so respect this.


5. Interpretation is useful if there is someone available (and also shows respect), and given that the liturgy, etc. is fairly lengthy, this means that the 10-12 minute "sermonette" works best as it soon becomes 25-30 with interpretation. Short, simple sentences work best when being interpreted, but find the right balance. These are intelligent people who speak about 5 languages - English may just happen to be number 3 or 4 - so while simple makes for easier interpretation, don't fall into the trap of "speaking down" to them (us "whiteys" have been guilty of this for generations, so if we fall into this trap, it WILL be picked up and offence will be taken).


6. Finally, be lavish in your thanks, praise of the choir, etc. Remember, it is an absolute privilege to share in worship with this community, and a little appreciation goes a LONG way!

Please remember that I too am a novice in this area, and am of course speaking from a "pale male" perspective, so if any of the above are wide of the mark or there are other suggestions for Jenny and I to take into account, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE drop us a line!

A "fine" way to start a Monday morning!

This morning I was riding my Vuka to the church office at St Andrews when, just past the prison on the Golden Highway, I was stopped at a Metro Police roadblock.

I did not have any concern when I was pulled over, since the bike is roadworthy, I know I wasn't speeding (the bike can't do more than 80, which is the speed limit on that stretch of road), and I'm not aware of any outstanding fines against my name.

The officer asked me for my licence, which I produced - and I was expected to be sent on my way. He then asked me to show him the licence for the bike, and I said "Sure - it's over here..." - and was cut short for words as I pointed to the blank space where my license disc was when I left the house.

It had obviously fallen off on my way to the church this morning, but the law is the law - it's illegal to ride a motorcycle without displaying a valid licence disc, even if it fell off 10 metres before the roadblock. I suppose that it was my word against that of the officer, who has probably heard every excuse in the book.

So here I sit, tail between my legs, R200 poorer...