- From 11 June to 11 July 2010, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the Soccer World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
- During the Soccer World Cup, the television is mine, the VCR and DVD are all mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse at the remote control, you will lose it (your eye, that is).
- If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won’t have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the Soccer World Cup month.
- During the games, I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor ... it won’t happen.
- It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12pm and 3pm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
- If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, it’s only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about soccer than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.
- You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game, hence do not use the Soccer World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.
- The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them – I want to see them again. Many times, and record them.
- Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
- I will not go,
- I will not go, and
- I will not go.
- But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
- The daily SWC highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this ... why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch??” The reply will be: “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.
- And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank goodness the Soccer World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these words because after this comes the 2014 SWC etc.
- Do not complain that my new beard is “scratchy” or makes me “look like a caveman”. Showing my support for Bafana Bafana by growing a beard is more important to me than our relationship. If you don’t love your country as much as me, then that makes me sad, and you should leave.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Men of the 2010 Soccer World Cup