Tempered cynicism, and looking at the bright side of life

I met with my Learning Partnership last night, as we do each month, and last night's meeting was mainly to discuss my progress thus far as a Phase One, and to go through the small forest of trees that have been cut down and transformed into reports for Synod. Some of the questions require quite a bit of soul-searching, especially those that I am required to answer for myself. One such example was a question on how I see myself. I answered that I am generally quite an upbeat, optimistic person tainted by a degree of cynicism carried over from my days as an auditor.

There are times that this cynicism comes out when I look at the Church, as some of my previous blog posts will have revealed. And there are many things going on that cause me great distress. But last night at the home cell meeting, my mind went back to a conversation that I had with my Superintendent this past Sunday, in which he said that whatever he may have encountered at the hands of the institution at large over the past 36 years that he has been in ministry, what keeps him going and true to his call is the sense of service to the local church community. While the local church context is not without its problems, there are also many, many salt-of-the-earth people who love Jesus with every fibre of their being and wish only to serve Him.

And as I got into the shower this morning, I remembered something that I read in my son's school newsletter about five years ago. Responding to a question concerning drug abuse - a problem that, sadly, plagues most schools and private schools in particular (because the kids have easier access to the money needed to buy the junk, perhaps?) - the headmaster was quite candid in saying, "yes, we have had the odd learner involved with drug abuse, and this is how we deal with the problem". He then proceeded to list the measures taken by the school, including awareness programmes, counselling, and so forth.

I remember thinking at the time that I would rather have the headmaster acknowledge that there is a problem and take active steps to deal with it, rather than to stick his head in the sand and deny that such problems exist in the first place.

And so it is with the Church. I can only speak for the Methodist Church of Southern Africa, for that is the institution I serve as a probationer minister, but I have no doubt that every church on God's great earth has problems of some sort. How can it be otherwise? They are imperfect institutions, run by imperfect people, trying their best to serve a perfect God.

So where do I go from here? I'm not going to deny the problems that I encounter - that would be like putting my head in the sand. Rather - just like the headmaster of my son's school - I'm going to continue to acknowledge the things I encounter. But more importantly, I'm going to channel that energy into doing something about it. Starting with prayer.

George Bernard Shaw said: "The reasonable man adapts himself to the conditions that surround him... The unreasonable man adapts surrounding conditions to himself... All progress depends on the unreasonable man."

Good news - and bad news

Back at College, and the good news is that my one colleague's son, who was involved in a serious car accident a couple of weeks ago, has undergone an operation which was successful. We give thanks to God for His mercies, and pray for a speedy recovery.

We also give thanks to God for another colleague's stationing situation, which seems to have stabilised for the moment.

I've also been given the responsibility of being timekeeper at this year's Synod. Some of my more cynical colleagues see this as a strategic move by the "powers that be" to ensure that I keep my big gob shut, but the corollary to this is that I have total control over the stopwatch... har, har, har! :-)

The bad news is that there is this "culture of fear" that remains in certain contexts, particularly when it comes to rank and hierarchy. This manifests in comments like "a Phase One must know his place", with the impression given that the validity of what someone is saying hinges on their rank and somehow cannot be accepted on its own merits.

Personally, I believe that this is a cancer that needs to be eradicated from the
Church sooner rather than later. My own stance is that while it's important to respect one's seniors, particularly those that hold office, one should be able to speak one's mind without fear or favour - something I've always believed in, and will continue to do, Phase One or not.

100 facts of life

These are cool! You may not agree with all of them - I didn't - but a great number of them are really profound!

1. People who spend lots of time in other people's lives are avoiding dealing with their own.
2. People who confess "I shouldn't tell you, but....." will do the same thing to you as they do to everyone else.
3. Speaking your truth is not telling other people that they are wrong and you are right.
4. If you have to ask someone else if he/she is right for you, then they probably aren't.
5. Without the journey, there is no point to the destination.
6. People who stick their head in the sand will eventually get their butts kicked.
7. What you see on the surface is rarely what lies underneath.
8. Courage is not to stand in the path of the lion, but to seek to understand why it wishes to harm you in the first place.
9. We are not born parents – we have to learn how to be parents.
10. Words only have as much power as you give them.
11. Wise people sit in silence, only then will they hear their own voice.
12. Angels are not there to do the work for us, but to show us the work to be done.
13. There is no such thing as the perfect (earthly) relationship.
14. Never put the milk in before the hot water when making a cup of tea.
15. We control nothing but our own thoughts and actions.
16. No one can make you happy except yourself.
17. It is only a mistake if you learn nothing from the experience.
18. I don't know everything, so teach me. I can't hear everything, so tell me. I won't see everything, so show me. Together we will grow.
19. There is more to life than increasing its speed (Gandhi).
20. Regrets are choices we failed to make.
21. What you hold in your heart is what you will take into the next life.
22. Just because you don't see the seed once you have planted it, doesn't mean it isn't growing.
23. It is only there because you believe it to be there. If you had believed it was not there, then it would not have existed.
24. There is no ultimate truth, because truth is merely perception combined with a judgment.
25. Gender does not exist – everyone has ying and yang traits.
26. Your experiences are not who you are.
27. Assumptions are those things we make when we are too lazy to check out the facts.
28. No one is totally objective.
29. Family is not always the one you were born into – sometimes it can be an outstretched hand and a welcoming smile.
30. You are not always going to be right.
31. Humility is the ability to admit you were wrong.
32. Character is the thing you do when no one else is looking.
33. The measure of a man is not what he carries in his wallet, but how he carries himself.
34. Speedos are not attractive – no matter who is wearing them!
35. If you give an inch, chances are you will gain a mile.
36. If you would not want it done to you, then you shouldn't do it to others.
37. If you are not dealing with reality, than all you are doing is creating an illusion.
38. Pride is a badge only a fool wears.
39. The person who knows the most is usually the one who talks the least.
40. Everyone deserves to be valued and to be loved.
41. No one has your answers but you.
42. You can only create with the tools you have, so don't hesitate to add more to your toolbox.
43. Some days are going to suck – life is not perfect.
44. You never get it wrong; you only learn another way that doesn't work.
45. It is people, not things, which give life meaning.
46. You can't take it with you when you go – no one has ever slipped a Mercedes past the pearly gates.
47. The world will not fall apart if you are not there to hold it all together.
48. It’s okay to say no - people do it all the time.
49. There are some things you will never know the answer to.
50. The future does not exist, nor does the past – you only have this moment.
51. Relatives don't always know better.
52. Skeletons in family closets will always be there to haunt you.
53. Standing in your truth means respecting the right of others to theirs.
54. You cannot hear anyone if you are talking.
55. You don't have to live life with the hand you were dealt – you can always shuffle the deck.
56. Potatoes won't grow out of your ears if you fail to wash them.
57. Adult eyes have a tendency to make the world small, yet are always looking for the big things. Child eyes make the world big, and yet are fascinated by the small things.
58. We should try to see not how people with disadvantages are different from us, but how they are the same.
59. It is easy to be a big fish when you live in a small pond.
60. Adults should not let children take responsibility for their (i.e. the adult’s) life choices.
61. No matter how shitty a job your parents did, eventually you have to take responsibility for your own choices.
62. Those who seek enlightenment will never find it.
63. If you need to say it, say it now. If you need to do it, do it now.
64. The biggest regret of those whose time is cut short is all the things they never said and all the things they never did.
65. We only have the moment we are in.
66. You don't need an inner critic – you need to be your own best friend.
67. Change requires action.
68. Misery likes company.
69. We have to be careful that helping doesn't turn into enabling.
70. Not everyone is going to like you, and you are not going to like everyone.
71. Stuff happens – that's just life.
72. Everyone should grow fairy wings and splash in the puddles occasionally.
73. If you keep doing for people, they will never learn to do it for themselves.
74. “Please” and “thank you” are highly underrated.
75. Nothing is more contagious than a smile.
76. The best gift you give anyone is your time and patience.
77. Patience is the ability to understand that it is not always about you.
78. There are many rivers which lead to the same ocean – you just have to be willing to look for them.
79. True beauty is not determined by a look, but by a thought and a deed.
80. Time stands still for those who are in the moment, not rushing by it.
81. Having knowledge does not make you wise – this requires knowing as well.
82. Meditation does not require whale music and contortions, just the ability to go to your happy place.
83. You are not going to see the bigger picture until you have all of the pieces.
84. No matter which way you place it, tofu turkey is not turkey.
85. It is wise to take a moment before you take a step – that way you get a chance to see where your feet are going to land.
86. You may have a seed of greatness within you, but you still have to nurture it.
87. Everyone has to find their own pathway.
88. You are not limited to one act of greatness in your lifetime.
89. The only way to stop an argument is to find a solution.
90. Everything you do or say will come back to you eventually – it just may not be in a form you are expecting.
91. Asking for help means you are smart enough to get the things you need to create the life you want.
92. Just because one chapter in your life is closed doesn't mean you cannot write another one.
93. People are not perfect, and we all need a break every now and then.
94. Never leave unsaid words in a room.
95. Nothing is ever about what is we think it is about.
96. Boundaries are the things adults use to make sure that no one colours outside of the lines.
97. Every one is more than they believe themselves to be.
98. Every footprint counts, no matter who made it.
99. Love will always be the way.
100. Lists fall under the category that it seemed like a good idea at the time!

No job is finished until the paperwork is done

I'm busy wading through one of the Phase One reports that we are required to complete for submission to Synod. Eish...

Feeling encouraged

"... But first be concerned about God's kingdom and his righteousness, and all of these things will be provided for you as well" (Matthew 6: 33).

"Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house..." (Malachi 3: 10)

Two of the Societies that I am responsible for have been experiencing severe financial difficulties for some time, and my presence is the result of such Societies no longer being in a financial position to be able to afford an ordained minister.

The departure of their ordained minister last year has caused a degree of trauma; however, they have a history of financial struggle. While poverty does play a role, attitudes towards giving, coupled with cultural practices around giving that are not in line with Scripture, have been largely responsible. A history of conflict has also added to the malaise.

Coming into this situation, I was quite overwhelmed at first - after all, what difference can one make in a year? I therefore took the decision not to try to be a hero, but to reinforce the fact that (a) I am not their "ideal" minister in terms of continuity, since Phase Ones move on after their first year; (b) there is a lingering hurt (and possibly embarrasment as well) concerning the departure of their previous minister, which needs to be recognised; (c) the itinerant nature of ministry within the MCSA means that ministers come and go but the community remains; and (d) God raised up a previous community to establish a work in these areas, and the continued existence of that work is largely in the hands of the present community.

In the first quarter of 2009, I felt that the finances had completely fallen out of bed, particularly since the Circuit has assumed control thereof (which in itself has caused a great deal of unhappiness). But in the last month or two, I have sensed a quiet and gradual change, as though the message of "we must move forward" is finally beginning to hit home.

And so I was extremely encouraged at the vast improvement in the level of giving over the past two weeks. For the first time this year, it looks as though we will not only make our full Circuit assessment for the month, but begin to make inroads into the arrears as well.

It's early days yet, and my Superintendent has warned me that such "spurts" have been experienced before. But with the stewardship campaign only due to get into full swing this coming weekend, the initial signs are very encouraging indeed...

Catching up on old events

The elections are long behind us, but here's a 'photo of people in Uitenhage standing patiently in line to cast their ballots.

Anger management

I'm not quite sure how to word this post without getting myself into trouble with the "powers that be", but yesterday something happened that made me SO angry I was ready to go and blow up something or punch someone!

Not the sort of healthy emotion one would expect from a minister. And this kind of anger really bothers me - a lot! Especially when I feel this way towards the Church that has provided me with the outlet and space to explore and develop the call that God has placed on my life to full-time ministry.

I would never do anything to malign the institution. At Synod last year, where we were accepted as ministry candidates, we took a vow in the presence of all present not to do so. But I really need to get something off my chest, in the hope that it will (a) bring about healing, and (b) hopefully invite others who have walked this road to provide me with wise counsel.

Allow me to explain.

When I candidated for the ministry, the normal process of probation was that once you were accepted as a probationer, your first year would be spent out in the boondocks somewhere. You would attend lectures two days a week at a Phase One college situated as far away from your home as humanly possible, while those who live within striking range of such Phase One station would in turn be stationed at the Phase One centre that was actually only 15km away from where you lived before the Church decided to send you 1000km away from home.

I understand that the reason for this is to take you out of your "comfort zone" and allow you to experience cross-cultural ministry. Fair enough - in a country that has historically been as fragmented as South Africa (and still is), gaining an understanding of other cultures is important.

Because the first stationing is only for one year, making my son change schools and then change schools again 12 months later seemed to be not such a good idea, especially since (at that stage) I did not know where the Church was planning to send me. This resulted in the heart-wrenching decision to leave my family behind in Johannesburg - a decision made a little easier by the understanding that when one enters the second phase of training - Phase Two - you normally settle down in a Circuit for three years, judging by the experience of Phase Twos that came to my old Circuit. In my mind this meant being reunited with my family from 2010 onwards.

Then came the idea of sending all probationers to the new Seth Mokitimi Methodist Seminary (SMMS), which is being established in Pietermaritzburg. However, at this stage there is no "official" clarity on whether all probationers will go to SMMS or not, and for those who do, whether this will be for one, two, or three years.

This would not be an issue if I was 22 years old, single and carefree (the ideal ministry candidate, if the HR report tabled at last year's Conference is anything to go by. This document is lamenting the fact that the average of candidates is 42). My problem is that I'm actually 40, married, with one wife, one child, one mother, one mother-in-law, one dog, one scooter, three cars, and 20 years' worth of accumulated furniture, garage stuff, and other bits and pieces - all under one roof.

Clearly even the most dyed-in-the-wool free spirit can see that some decisions need to be made here! One doesn't simply sell up and relocate this lot in a matter of days, or even weeks - one needs about six months to be able to make all this work smoothly.

And herein lies the rub - the "powers that be" that are talking to us don't have the information, and those that do aren't talking to us! In fact, I'm beginning to get the distinct impression that since the Phase One is likely to be done away with from next year (i.e. probationers will go straight to SMMS), the Phase One Class of 2009 is like an unwanted orphan, a square peg trying to knock the edges off a round hole.

So what made me so angry yesterday? It was the fact that there are certain requirements that are expected of us - reports to Synod by our Superintendent and Learning Partnerships, for instance. And while I'm not for one second suggesting that we need to be spoonfed - after all, we are supposed to be ministers of the Gospel, and we are supposed to be mature adults - one would think that it's only reasonable that if the "powers" expect something from us, they actually TELL us what that something needs to be, when it must be submitted, and to whom it must be submitted.

What actually happened is that a couple of us had to go scratching around for ourselves, trying to find out what is required. After all, there's a whole truck-load of reports that had to be handed in by last year's Phase Ones - the worst thing that could happen is when we get to Synod and are asked, "where's such-and-such a report", we stand there with a mouthful of teeth, shrugging, "what report?"

We are meant to have a Probationer's Handbook, but such Handbook is (apparently) no longer in print. Yet many of the aforementioned requirements, forms, etc. are in the salf-same Handbook! How is one supposed to meet the requirements if we are not informed of them? Surely we shouldn't have to go around scratching for these things?

I'm normally quite an optimist by nature. Yes, I know that it's meant to be tough. I know that "what doesn't kill, fattens". I know that we are meant to stand on our own two feet, and all that good stuff. But I'm getting the feeling that in this transition period between the old and the new systems, there is a group of people that are stuck in the middle that are a bit of a thorn in the Church's side, and as a consequence are numbers to be processed rather than real people. And I'm starting to get just a little bit tired of being treated like a mushroom - kept in a dark corner, and having manure dumped on top!

I'm also getting fed up of being told, "calm down - you're in Phase One - don't rock the boat - keep your head down - just do as you're told - you don't want to become a 'marked man'". It may be good advice to some, but I've had a belly-full of it. I'm a human being, dammit! I have a brain. I have feelings. I already have a 20-year business career and twelve years of post-school education (excluding my current theology studies) under the belt. And so I'm getting just a little bit hot under the collar at the moment!

Trust me, I don't want to just rock the boat for the sake of it. And believe me when I say that I'm not rebelling against the Church's decisions. I want to be singing off the same hymn-sheet. All I'm asking for is to be treated like a human being, not like a number. Things I'd like to know include: What are the Church's plans? Am I going to SMMS or not? If so, I need to know fairly soon in order to sell up in Joburg and find a place to rent for my family in Pietermaritzburg (I can't somehow see me shoehorning my menagerie into College-provided accommodation, however generously-proportioned such accommodation may be). There's also the matter of schooling for James. What about studies - will I be allowed to complete my degree by the end of 2010? If so, what about post-graduate studies - is this something that the Church encourages and can actually make some use of, or is it simply a "nice to have"?

What exactly is the MCSA expecting of me between now and ordination? Is there someone I can sit down and have an open and honest discussion with? To do a bit of "career counselling" with me, for want of a better term? To provide me with some direction so as to allow me to give my family some peace of mind concerning what's going to happen for the next five years? To allow me to lay my cards on the table, and for the Church to do the same with me?

Am I asking too much here? Is this a fair request, or am I being unreasonable?

So yes, I'm a little bit angry at the moment. But God is faithful, and despite everything, I still believe that God has called me to serve Him in full-time ministry. It remains something that I want to do more than anything else on earth.

The Church, in turn, wants ministers who will respond to God's call and will serve Him with zeal, diligence, and integrity. I really want to be such a minister.

Right now, I really need prayer...