Funny how things "close to home" change one's focus

I must ashamedly confess that I had never really given much though to the "persecuted Church" in certain other countries. One can so easily take religious freedom for granted! But this news article concerning the banning of the Methodist Church Conference in Fiji caught my attention, because we tend (at times) to regard Methodist Conferences and Synods as a "necessary evil" rather than as an opportunity to meet as the wider Church.

Let us remember those who do not enjoy religios freedoms, and those who are persecuted for their faith, in our prayers.

How far is too far?

One of the courses that we are doing for our BTh is called “Journeying in Faith”, which explores different disciplines and expressions of spirituality. As Phase Ones our studies are supported by various lecturers providing tutorial assistance, and many of the lectures are quite enlightening.

About five or six weeks ago we started discussing the connection between our sexuality and our spirituality, and in the first session our tutor invited Johan Strydom to address us. For those who are not familiar with this name, Johan is the man who took the Moreleta Park Dutch Reformed Church to court in a much-publicised unfair dismissal case arising from the disclosure of his sexual orientation. His talk basically dealt with creating a climate of non-discrimination towards those who are of same-sex orientation, and he emphasised that, based on his own experience, being homosexual is not a “choice” that one makes but rather part of one’s makeup.

As is the case with any group, when it comes to the issue of same-sex relationships, our group of Phase Ones comprises people who have different views on this matter. In my own case, and that of one or two others, the “official” position of the MCSA is more or less being followed, i.e. that those of same-sex orientation need to be provided with pastoral care, a climate of acceptance as people created in God’s own image, and access to the means of grace (such as Communion), but that marriage remains a union between a man and a woman.

In our case, we would embrace an opportunity to engage this issue in a balanced manner, particularly with someone on the “other side” of the debate. Don’t get me wrong – I have no time for the “turn or burn” brigade, and simply hammering off a series of proof texts is not what I consider to be debate. As someone who is really wrestling with this issue, I really need a balanced approach to enable me to settle this matter in my own mind and conviction.

However, when the second session took place, such debate was not to be. Instead, we watched a DVD dealing with the experiences of homosexuals within the Church, which reiterated the call for full affirmation and acceptance (although the question of marriage was not specifically discussed). The session ended with me thinking, “okay, you’ve made your point – now allow us time for this to sink in, process our thoughts, and give us an opportunity to wrestle with this issue for ourselves”.

It was not to be. As I am writing this, our group is going to see the movie “Milk” this morning. I don’t know anything about it other than that it is a film about gay rights. And I must confess that I’m feeling extremely uncomfortable about the direction which these sessions are taking – almost as though there’s a specific agenda to ram a strong “pro” message down our throats.

I’ll go and see the movie, for no other reason that I have a strong conviction that you cannot criticise something that you have not encountered. An example would be the brigade that seeks to have certain “undesirable” books banned without having actually read such books. I remember being asked my opinion when “The Da Vinci Code” came out, and responding that since I have neither read the book nor seen the film, I do not have an opinion and will not comment based on hearsay.

I accept that the situation whereby those of same-sex orientation have suffered unbelievable discrimination and even persecution, even (and often particularly) at the hands of the Church, is deplorable. I’m also fully in support of the idea that one should view a person as Jesus views them – the whole person, not just their sexual orientation. I also count a number of beautiful, sincere, God-fearing Christians who are of same-sex orientation – one of whom is a minister – among my friends. And I also accept that much of my own thinking is influenced by an inbuilt prejudice that arises from me simply being heterosexual.

On the other hand, my primary duty as a minister is to be true to the Word of God. Now I’ll be the first to admit a number of uncertainties. Issues that I’m wrestling with at the moment include:
• How one objectively and honestly determines which Biblical texts are contextual and which are of universal application.
• Whether the prohibitions on homosexual activity contained in certain Biblical texts are dealing with homosexual activity by those who are naturally of heterosexual orientation; a particular form of pagan activity (such as temple prostitution); or a blanket prohibition.
• Which forms of sexual expression, whether homosexual or heterosexual, are considered to be Biblically legitimate. (Right now my position on this is that the only legitimate outlet for physical sexual expression is within a life-long marriage between a man and a woman.)

Clearly the lectures are biased towards a fully affirming and embracing position, and I’ll grant that we need to hear and understand the issues that those of homosexual orientation have (and are still) facing. But there’s a fine line between providing tutorial support and attempting to indoctrinate, and I’m beginning to feel that we are crossing that line.

Back from Synod and Alpha camp

This past few days was hectic, what with Synod being from Thursday to Saturday lunchtime, and then on to the Alpha camp from Saturday afternoon to today. I'm tired, cold, smelling of braai smoke, but generally feeling quite good about life at the moment, because of the following things that have happened these past few days:

1. A Synod resolution dealing with the Supernumerary Fund and proposals for the use / establishment of other finds within the MCSA that I spent a fair amount of time drafting (with the weight of paper nearly breaking my toe when I dropped it!) was accepted virtually verbatim by the Synod, with one or two minor tweaks. It's good to know that despite having moved on from the accountancy profession into ministry, I am still able to disect a set of financial statements. Accounts tend to be like bikinis, in that what they reveal is interesting but what they conceal can drive you insane!

2. Having expressed my anxiety concerning next year, what with the uncertainty around College, wanting to relocate my family, etc. on the floor of Synod, I'm glad that the Bishop has undertaken to address the matter personally before he attends an EMMU meeting in July. There were no concrete answers emanating from Synod, but realistically I couldn't have expected more. I'm however grateful to Bishop Musi Losaba for showing concern and understanding.

3. I met some AMAZING people at Synod - the van der Laars, John Gillmer, Brian Jennings, Peter Woods, and many more - you all spoke such wisdom into my life. Thanks too to John and Debbie van der Laar for allowing me to be part of worship - it was a truly uplifting experience. In fact, this is what makes Synod actually worthwhile.

4. I turned 40 (on Thursday the 28th), and Debbie van der Laar said I looked 35! I KNEW there was something I liked about that lady!

5. I went from Synod straight to our Alpha camp, where I had the privilege of praying for people and seeing the Holy Spirit move in their lives in a mighty and incrediible way. Lives were definitely changed this weekend!

And so, despite the many difficulties and challenges, I truly believe that the call to ministry is stronger than ever. I just cannot imagine doing anything else with my life, and I pray that I can remain God's humble servant. I still find it astounding that God would choose a broken, impervect vessel such as me to carry out this awesome responsibility - I guess that it really IS true that God uses the foolish to confound the wise!

God is good! All the time!

The bias of a heterosexual male

"You never truly know someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes" - Anonymous

Yesterday at College we had a second session dealing with the link between spirituality and sexuality, in which we went through parts of a discussion document issued a couple of years back by DEWCOM (the Doctrine, Ethics, and Worship Committee of the Methodist Church of Southern Africa) dealing with our attitudes as Christians towards those of same-sex orientation.

It's a most difficult debate, made all the more confusing by the fact that there are sincere, well-researched positions across the entire spectrum of positions. Right now I have on my PC's hard drive 20 documents from MCSA sources (individual ministers, DEWCOM, Conference resolutions, etc.) as well as 37 documents from non-MCSA sources. This excludes the countless number of publications that I have read, of which I have not kept copies.

And to be honest, I'm more confused than ever.

This morning my heart was torn in two when I read a good friend's blog, as I do most mornings - in particular, his post entitled "Time to take my stand". And after reading this heart-wrenching post, I realised that underlying all the debates, positions, theology, "proof texts", discussion documents, arguments, and the like, one easily loses sight of the fact that there are real people, with real hurts, who are affected by all this.

Not having walked in his shoes (and those of his ex-wife), I cannot begin to imagine the anguish that they have gone through (and are probably still going through).

For me this whole thing is still a journey and a struggle, and today I need to be honest and admit that there are aspects of same-sex relationships that I cannot conceptualise, for no other reason than that I am a heterosexual male in a "conventional" marriage relationship with a heterosexual female. (Note that these biases are male-centric simply because I am a male. Nothing in this post should be construed as wishing to exclude females, but being of the male gender I have a limited understanding even about how females feel about heterosexual intimacy, let alone that of same-sex orientation.)

1. As a heterosexual male I cannot imagine myself in a physical relationship with another man. For as long as I can remember, I've been physically attracted to girls.

2. I find physical contact with other males difficult and awkward. I'll shake another man's hand, and even hug another man, but that's as far as it goes. I do not kiss my son (although I hug him plenty). Holding my son's hand is okay (he is 11), but I squirm when I hold an adult male's hand (even when we say "the grace" in church). The only time I as an adult male have ever kissed another adult male was the day I got my Matric results, and upon seeing that I had schieved university entrance, bounded down the school steps and planted a smacker on my best friend's cheek.

3. Seeing two men holding hands makes me feel extremely uncomfortable (even in cultural contexts where this act does not denote anything sexual). Two men kissing causes me to turn my head. The thought of more intimate physical contact between two men

4. I have two gay friends, with whom I have had lengthy and indepth discussions about issues of sexuality. I have no problem with normal social interaction, and have absolutely no fear that either one of them would be attracted to me in a sexual way. I have even been in social settings where the friend's partner has been present, and have interacted socially with the partner as well. However, I have never been present when they have shown any signs of physical affection towards one another, and would not know how it would affect me if such signs were to be shown (unlike the case with my heterosexual friends, especially the married ones, who hug and kiss in my presence with no effect on me whatsoever). Obviously I'm not talking sex here - that's something intimate and private, and quite frankly, I don't want to see ANY of my friends having sex, whether of the heterosexual or same-sex variety!

These inbuilt "biases" (for want of a better word) will undoubtedly be a powerful force in shaping whatever view I may have about same-sex relationships. The questions I have to ask myself, though - and this is part of the journey - are:
- Are these biases consistent with my understanding of what Scripture says concerning the relationship itself (and in particular, the physical expression thereof)?
- Do I actually base my feelings on Scripture, or on these biases?
- Do these biases block me in any way from ministering to those of same-sex orientation? Specifically, do I keep the commandment of Jesus to "love one another, just as I have loved you"? Do these biases prevent me from obeying Christ?
- Do these biases cause me to hurt, rather than love, those of same-sex orientation?
- Do I actually have any concept of the hurt and pain that many people of same-sex orientation experience because of such biases?
- Do these biases (in isolation) give me the right to condemn those who hold different views because they are not similarly biased? (I believe not).
- Do these biases contribute to my current position that I cannot see myself as a minister consenting to marry a same-sex couple?

An honest stand on this issue (and any other issue, for that matter) needs to be based on a sincere desire to honour God, in a Christian loving attitude, and after much prayer and reflection. To base a position on inherent biases is a cop-out, a short-cut, and one based on man's reasoning rather than God's Spirit.

Whatever my stand as a Christian and as a minister is (or may become), I confess and repent before Almighty God that my attitudes and biases may have caused hurt. That I have not loved as Jesus loved. That I have not cared as Jesus would have me care. That I too have been guilty of snide comments and off-colour jokes concerning those of same-sex orientation. That I have approached this issue intellectually and theologically, without regard to the real people concerned. And that I have not always listened to those who hold different views to mine.

Hanno and Alet, you remain in my prayers, as always.

The journey continues...

Tempered cynicism, and looking at the bright side of life

I met with my Learning Partnership last night, as we do each month, and last night's meeting was mainly to discuss my progress thus far as a Phase One, and to go through the small forest of trees that have been cut down and transformed into reports for Synod. Some of the questions require quite a bit of soul-searching, especially those that I am required to answer for myself. One such example was a question on how I see myself. I answered that I am generally quite an upbeat, optimistic person tainted by a degree of cynicism carried over from my days as an auditor.

There are times that this cynicism comes out when I look at the Church, as some of my previous blog posts will have revealed. And there are many things going on that cause me great distress. But last night at the home cell meeting, my mind went back to a conversation that I had with my Superintendent this past Sunday, in which he said that whatever he may have encountered at the hands of the institution at large over the past 36 years that he has been in ministry, what keeps him going and true to his call is the sense of service to the local church community. While the local church context is not without its problems, there are also many, many salt-of-the-earth people who love Jesus with every fibre of their being and wish only to serve Him.

And as I got into the shower this morning, I remembered something that I read in my son's school newsletter about five years ago. Responding to a question concerning drug abuse - a problem that, sadly, plagues most schools and private schools in particular (because the kids have easier access to the money needed to buy the junk, perhaps?) - the headmaster was quite candid in saying, "yes, we have had the odd learner involved with drug abuse, and this is how we deal with the problem". He then proceeded to list the measures taken by the school, including awareness programmes, counselling, and so forth.

I remember thinking at the time that I would rather have the headmaster acknowledge that there is a problem and take active steps to deal with it, rather than to stick his head in the sand and deny that such problems exist in the first place.

And so it is with the Church. I can only speak for the Methodist Church of Southern Africa, for that is the institution I serve as a probationer minister, but I have no doubt that every church on God's great earth has problems of some sort. How can it be otherwise? They are imperfect institutions, run by imperfect people, trying their best to serve a perfect God.

So where do I go from here? I'm not going to deny the problems that I encounter - that would be like putting my head in the sand. Rather - just like the headmaster of my son's school - I'm going to continue to acknowledge the things I encounter. But more importantly, I'm going to channel that energy into doing something about it. Starting with prayer.

George Bernard Shaw said: "The reasonable man adapts himself to the conditions that surround him... The unreasonable man adapts surrounding conditions to himself... All progress depends on the unreasonable man."

100 facts of life

These are cool! You may not agree with all of them - I didn't - but a great number of them are really profound!

1. People who spend lots of time in other people's lives are avoiding dealing with their own.
2. People who confess "I shouldn't tell you, but....." will do the same thing to you as they do to everyone else.
3. Speaking your truth is not telling other people that they are wrong and you are right.
4. If you have to ask someone else if he/she is right for you, then they probably aren't.
5. Without the journey, there is no point to the destination.
6. People who stick their head in the sand will eventually get their butts kicked.
7. What you see on the surface is rarely what lies underneath.
8. Courage is not to stand in the path of the lion, but to seek to understand why it wishes to harm you in the first place.
9. We are not born parents – we have to learn how to be parents.
10. Words only have as much power as you give them.
11. Wise people sit in silence, only then will they hear their own voice.
12. Angels are not there to do the work for us, but to show us the work to be done.
13. There is no such thing as the perfect (earthly) relationship.
14. Never put the milk in before the hot water when making a cup of tea.
15. We control nothing but our own thoughts and actions.
16. No one can make you happy except yourself.
17. It is only a mistake if you learn nothing from the experience.
18. I don't know everything, so teach me. I can't hear everything, so tell me. I won't see everything, so show me. Together we will grow.
19. There is more to life than increasing its speed (Gandhi).
20. Regrets are choices we failed to make.
21. What you hold in your heart is what you will take into the next life.
22. Just because you don't see the seed once you have planted it, doesn't mean it isn't growing.
23. It is only there because you believe it to be there. If you had believed it was not there, then it would not have existed.
24. There is no ultimate truth, because truth is merely perception combined with a judgment.
25. Gender does not exist – everyone has ying and yang traits.
26. Your experiences are not who you are.
27. Assumptions are those things we make when we are too lazy to check out the facts.
28. No one is totally objective.
29. Family is not always the one you were born into – sometimes it can be an outstretched hand and a welcoming smile.
30. You are not always going to be right.
31. Humility is the ability to admit you were wrong.
32. Character is the thing you do when no one else is looking.
33. The measure of a man is not what he carries in his wallet, but how he carries himself.
34. Speedos are not attractive – no matter who is wearing them!
35. If you give an inch, chances are you will gain a mile.
36. If you would not want it done to you, then you shouldn't do it to others.
37. If you are not dealing with reality, than all you are doing is creating an illusion.
38. Pride is a badge only a fool wears.
39. The person who knows the most is usually the one who talks the least.
40. Everyone deserves to be valued and to be loved.
41. No one has your answers but you.
42. You can only create with the tools you have, so don't hesitate to add more to your toolbox.
43. Some days are going to suck – life is not perfect.
44. You never get it wrong; you only learn another way that doesn't work.
45. It is people, not things, which give life meaning.
46. You can't take it with you when you go – no one has ever slipped a Mercedes past the pearly gates.
47. The world will not fall apart if you are not there to hold it all together.
48. It’s okay to say no - people do it all the time.
49. There are some things you will never know the answer to.
50. The future does not exist, nor does the past – you only have this moment.
51. Relatives don't always know better.
52. Skeletons in family closets will always be there to haunt you.
53. Standing in your truth means respecting the right of others to theirs.
54. You cannot hear anyone if you are talking.
55. You don't have to live life with the hand you were dealt – you can always shuffle the deck.
56. Potatoes won't grow out of your ears if you fail to wash them.
57. Adult eyes have a tendency to make the world small, yet are always looking for the big things. Child eyes make the world big, and yet are fascinated by the small things.
58. We should try to see not how people with disadvantages are different from us, but how they are the same.
59. It is easy to be a big fish when you live in a small pond.
60. Adults should not let children take responsibility for their (i.e. the adult’s) life choices.
61. No matter how shitty a job your parents did, eventually you have to take responsibility for your own choices.
62. Those who seek enlightenment will never find it.
63. If you need to say it, say it now. If you need to do it, do it now.
64. The biggest regret of those whose time is cut short is all the things they never said and all the things they never did.
65. We only have the moment we are in.
66. You don't need an inner critic – you need to be your own best friend.
67. Change requires action.
68. Misery likes company.
69. We have to be careful that helping doesn't turn into enabling.
70. Not everyone is going to like you, and you are not going to like everyone.
71. Stuff happens – that's just life.
72. Everyone should grow fairy wings and splash in the puddles occasionally.
73. If you keep doing for people, they will never learn to do it for themselves.
74. “Please” and “thank you” are highly underrated.
75. Nothing is more contagious than a smile.
76. The best gift you give anyone is your time and patience.
77. Patience is the ability to understand that it is not always about you.
78. There are many rivers which lead to the same ocean – you just have to be willing to look for them.
79. True beauty is not determined by a look, but by a thought and a deed.
80. Time stands still for those who are in the moment, not rushing by it.
81. Having knowledge does not make you wise – this requires knowing as well.
82. Meditation does not require whale music and contortions, just the ability to go to your happy place.
83. You are not going to see the bigger picture until you have all of the pieces.
84. No matter which way you place it, tofu turkey is not turkey.
85. It is wise to take a moment before you take a step – that way you get a chance to see where your feet are going to land.
86. You may have a seed of greatness within you, but you still have to nurture it.
87. Everyone has to find their own pathway.
88. You are not limited to one act of greatness in your lifetime.
89. The only way to stop an argument is to find a solution.
90. Everything you do or say will come back to you eventually – it just may not be in a form you are expecting.
91. Asking for help means you are smart enough to get the things you need to create the life you want.
92. Just because one chapter in your life is closed doesn't mean you cannot write another one.
93. People are not perfect, and we all need a break every now and then.
94. Never leave unsaid words in a room.
95. Nothing is ever about what is we think it is about.
96. Boundaries are the things adults use to make sure that no one colours outside of the lines.
97. Every one is more than they believe themselves to be.
98. Every footprint counts, no matter who made it.
99. Love will always be the way.
100. Lists fall under the category that it seemed like a good idea at the time!

Feeling encouraged

"... But first be concerned about God's kingdom and his righteousness, and all of these things will be provided for you as well" (Matthew 6: 33).

"Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house..." (Malachi 3: 10)

Two of the Societies that I am responsible for have been experiencing severe financial difficulties for some time, and my presence is the result of such Societies no longer being in a financial position to be able to afford an ordained minister.

The departure of their ordained minister last year has caused a degree of trauma; however, they have a history of financial struggle. While poverty does play a role, attitudes towards giving, coupled with cultural practices around giving that are not in line with Scripture, have been largely responsible. A history of conflict has also added to the malaise.

Coming into this situation, I was quite overwhelmed at first - after all, what difference can one make in a year? I therefore took the decision not to try to be a hero, but to reinforce the fact that (a) I am not their "ideal" minister in terms of continuity, since Phase Ones move on after their first year; (b) there is a lingering hurt (and possibly embarrasment as well) concerning the departure of their previous minister, which needs to be recognised; (c) the itinerant nature of ministry within the MCSA means that ministers come and go but the community remains; and (d) God raised up a previous community to establish a work in these areas, and the continued existence of that work is largely in the hands of the present community.

In the first quarter of 2009, I felt that the finances had completely fallen out of bed, particularly since the Circuit has assumed control thereof (which in itself has caused a great deal of unhappiness). But in the last month or two, I have sensed a quiet and gradual change, as though the message of "we must move forward" is finally beginning to hit home.

And so I was extremely encouraged at the vast improvement in the level of giving over the past two weeks. For the first time this year, it looks as though we will not only make our full Circuit assessment for the month, but begin to make inroads into the arrears as well.

It's early days yet, and my Superintendent has warned me that such "spurts" have been experienced before. But with the stewardship campaign only due to get into full swing this coming weekend, the initial signs are very encouraging indeed...

Anger management

I'm not quite sure how to word this post without getting myself into trouble with the "powers that be", but yesterday something happened that made me SO angry I was ready to go and blow up something or punch someone!

Not the sort of healthy emotion one would expect from a minister. And this kind of anger really bothers me - a lot! Especially when I feel this way towards the Church that has provided me with the outlet and space to explore and develop the call that God has placed on my life to full-time ministry.

I would never do anything to malign the institution. At Synod last year, where we were accepted as ministry candidates, we took a vow in the presence of all present not to do so. But I really need to get something off my chest, in the hope that it will (a) bring about healing, and (b) hopefully invite others who have walked this road to provide me with wise counsel.

Allow me to explain.

When I candidated for the ministry, the normal process of probation was that once you were accepted as a probationer, your first year would be spent out in the boondocks somewhere. You would attend lectures two days a week at a Phase One college situated as far away from your home as humanly possible, while those who live within striking range of such Phase One station would in turn be stationed at the Phase One centre that was actually only 15km away from where you lived before the Church decided to send you 1000km away from home.

I understand that the reason for this is to take you out of your "comfort zone" and allow you to experience cross-cultural ministry. Fair enough - in a country that has historically been as fragmented as South Africa (and still is), gaining an understanding of other cultures is important.

Because the first stationing is only for one year, making my son change schools and then change schools again 12 months later seemed to be not such a good idea, especially since (at that stage) I did not know where the Church was planning to send me. This resulted in the heart-wrenching decision to leave my family behind in Johannesburg - a decision made a little easier by the understanding that when one enters the second phase of training - Phase Two - you normally settle down in a Circuit for three years, judging by the experience of Phase Twos that came to my old Circuit. In my mind this meant being reunited with my family from 2010 onwards.

Then came the idea of sending all probationers to the new Seth Mokitimi Methodist Seminary (SMMS), which is being established in Pietermaritzburg. However, at this stage there is no "official" clarity on whether all probationers will go to SMMS or not, and for those who do, whether this will be for one, two, or three years.

This would not be an issue if I was 22 years old, single and carefree (the ideal ministry candidate, if the HR report tabled at last year's Conference is anything to go by. This document is lamenting the fact that the average of candidates is 42). My problem is that I'm actually 40, married, with one wife, one child, one mother, one mother-in-law, one dog, one scooter, three cars, and 20 years' worth of accumulated furniture, garage stuff, and other bits and pieces - all under one roof.

Clearly even the most dyed-in-the-wool free spirit can see that some decisions need to be made here! One doesn't simply sell up and relocate this lot in a matter of days, or even weeks - one needs about six months to be able to make all this work smoothly.

And herein lies the rub - the "powers that be" that are talking to us don't have the information, and those that do aren't talking to us! In fact, I'm beginning to get the distinct impression that since the Phase One is likely to be done away with from next year (i.e. probationers will go straight to SMMS), the Phase One Class of 2009 is like an unwanted orphan, a square peg trying to knock the edges off a round hole.

So what made me so angry yesterday? It was the fact that there are certain requirements that are expected of us - reports to Synod by our Superintendent and Learning Partnerships, for instance. And while I'm not for one second suggesting that we need to be spoonfed - after all, we are supposed to be ministers of the Gospel, and we are supposed to be mature adults - one would think that it's only reasonable that if the "powers" expect something from us, they actually TELL us what that something needs to be, when it must be submitted, and to whom it must be submitted.

What actually happened is that a couple of us had to go scratching around for ourselves, trying to find out what is required. After all, there's a whole truck-load of reports that had to be handed in by last year's Phase Ones - the worst thing that could happen is when we get to Synod and are asked, "where's such-and-such a report", we stand there with a mouthful of teeth, shrugging, "what report?"

We are meant to have a Probationer's Handbook, but such Handbook is (apparently) no longer in print. Yet many of the aforementioned requirements, forms, etc. are in the salf-same Handbook! How is one supposed to meet the requirements if we are not informed of them? Surely we shouldn't have to go around scratching for these things?

I'm normally quite an optimist by nature. Yes, I know that it's meant to be tough. I know that "what doesn't kill, fattens". I know that we are meant to stand on our own two feet, and all that good stuff. But I'm getting the feeling that in this transition period between the old and the new systems, there is a group of people that are stuck in the middle that are a bit of a thorn in the Church's side, and as a consequence are numbers to be processed rather than real people. And I'm starting to get just a little bit tired of being treated like a mushroom - kept in a dark corner, and having manure dumped on top!

I'm also getting fed up of being told, "calm down - you're in Phase One - don't rock the boat - keep your head down - just do as you're told - you don't want to become a 'marked man'". It may be good advice to some, but I've had a belly-full of it. I'm a human being, dammit! I have a brain. I have feelings. I already have a 20-year business career and twelve years of post-school education (excluding my current theology studies) under the belt. And so I'm getting just a little bit hot under the collar at the moment!

Trust me, I don't want to just rock the boat for the sake of it. And believe me when I say that I'm not rebelling against the Church's decisions. I want to be singing off the same hymn-sheet. All I'm asking for is to be treated like a human being, not like a number. Things I'd like to know include: What are the Church's plans? Am I going to SMMS or not? If so, I need to know fairly soon in order to sell up in Joburg and find a place to rent for my family in Pietermaritzburg (I can't somehow see me shoehorning my menagerie into College-provided accommodation, however generously-proportioned such accommodation may be). There's also the matter of schooling for James. What about studies - will I be allowed to complete my degree by the end of 2010? If so, what about post-graduate studies - is this something that the Church encourages and can actually make some use of, or is it simply a "nice to have"?

What exactly is the MCSA expecting of me between now and ordination? Is there someone I can sit down and have an open and honest discussion with? To do a bit of "career counselling" with me, for want of a better term? To provide me with some direction so as to allow me to give my family some peace of mind concerning what's going to happen for the next five years? To allow me to lay my cards on the table, and for the Church to do the same with me?

Am I asking too much here? Is this a fair request, or am I being unreasonable?

So yes, I'm a little bit angry at the moment. But God is faithful, and despite everything, I still believe that God has called me to serve Him in full-time ministry. It remains something that I want to do more than anything else on earth.

The Church, in turn, wants ministers who will respond to God's call and will serve Him with zeal, diligence, and integrity. I really want to be such a minister.

Right now, I really need prayer...

A random thought...

Isn't it strange how we tend to want to deal with a person's sin, and only then are we prepared to deal with the person as a person. Jesus, it seems, worked the other way around.

Just a thought...

Spirituality, sexuality, and same-sex relationships

Every two weeks at our Phase One college we have a session on "Journeying in Faith", in which we explore different expressions of spirituality.

Last week we had a guest speaker, Johan Strydom, who came to address us on the connection between spirituality and our sexuality. He shared some of his background with us, particularly the trauma he went through during the time he took the Moreleta Park Dutch Reformed Church to court for unfair dismissal relating to his sexual orientation - a case that he won in the end.

Naturally this led us to a discussion around same-sex relationships - a subject that has been fairly hotly debated within the Methodist Church of Southern Africa since the first discussion document on this issue was released by the Doctrine, Ethics and Worship committee (DEWCOM) a few years back. Given the strong views that people on both sides of the debate sincerely hold onto, this document was an attempt at enabling the Church to look at this issue a lot more pastorally than in the past.

Views tend to move from the one extreme, being that those of same-sex orientation should not even be allowed onto church premises, to the other extreme, where those of same-sex orientation should be treated no differently to those of hetrosexual orientation, even including marriage. The passing of the Civil Unions Act in South Africa, which legitimises a legal form of same-sex relationship without going as far as to call it "marriage", has added further fuel to the debate, with many feeling that the Church is lagging behind the State in granting equal rights to same-sex couples. On the other hand, there are those who point to clear indications in Scripture where sexual activity between people of the same gender are prohibited.

Without wishing to state (or defend) a particular position, I have a few concerns that I am currently trying to grapple with:

1. I'm well aware of the danger of using certain so-called "proof texts" in order to defend a particular position. However, the other side of the coin the the danger in "cherry-picking" Scriptures in terms of which ones are contextual, and which ones are of universal application. One even finds both within the same passage of Scripture! I must be honest in saying that my theology is not sufficiently developed to be able to come up with any hard-and-fast rules as to how to discern the difference (if, in fact, such rules exist at all), but sometimes I wonder whether we base our findings on which Scriptures we agree with (therefore of universal application) and which ones we don't (therefore contextual). I know that I should be relying on the inner prompting of the Holy Spirit, yet there are sincere Christians who believe that the Holy Spirit is prompting them to hold onto a position that I am decidedly uncomfortable with.

2. Is the formulation of a particular position based on a sound interpretation of Scripture, or personal prejudice? I have to confess that as a person of heterosexual orientation, who could therefore not even contemplate being in a same-sex relationship myself, a degree of prejudice has to be a factor.

3. One could of course look to the Church for a definitive declaration on the matter. However, this is unlikely to bring about certainty for many people, and will most likely end up alienating a large number of people.

4. The question of other orientations would also need to enter the debate. How does one then discern which ones warrant legitimate expression sexually, and which ones don't?

Right now I'm keeping my head below the parapet as far as my own position on this issue is concerned, although I have willingly shared it with those who have asked - particularly members of the congregation, who have a legitimate right to know where their minister stands on this issue. But it remains a journey for me, and I need to get to a point where I am comfortable that I am being true to God's will.

At this point I believe that those of same-sex orientation should be pastored, just as any person we minister to should be pastored. Whether or not one believes that same-sex orientation is a chosen behaviour or part of what a person is should have no impact on how we share the love of Jesus with another person. How this impacts whether one should be celibate or not, issues of church leadership (including ministry), and marriage, is something I'm still trying to deal with.

Trial service

This past Sunday I did my trial service in kwaNobuhle, a township just outside Uitenhage. Each probationer minister is required to do one such service as part of the academic requirements to be submitted to Synod.

My message was based on Psalm 133: 1, "Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity", which was quite apt coming, as it did, three days before South Africa's fourth democratic general election.

I reflected on some of the acts of unity that we as a Methodist Church have demonstrated over the years. For instance, it was as far back as 1958 that the Conference of the Methodist Church of Southern Africa took a landmark decision, in the face of draconian pressure from the apartheid government to segregate its structures, that “… it is the will of God that the Methodist Church remain one and undivided”.

This pledge of unity was reaffirmed at a gathering of Methodists in 1981. In what became known as the Message of Obedience ’81, the delegates stated that “… every Methodist must witness against this disease [referring to apartheid] which infects our people, our church and our country. We have experienced how hard it is to abandon long-held prejudice and long-felt bitterness, but we have seen God work this miracle. It happened because we continued to search for each other even at our times of deepest division. We now declare to all South Africans that there is a third way, where people, who have discovered their love for each other, translate it into justice for all.”

Looking ahead to the upcoming elections, I also reflected on that historic first election just 15 years ago, when the world witnessed the birth of the miracle that is the New South Africa, as for the first time ever in this country’s history, black, white, and every colour in between stood together in line on an equal basis to elect their leaders. I’ll never forget the unbelievable goodwill that was shown, as we stood patiently in line to cast our vote. On that particular day there were no domestic servants or doctors. No women or men. We were not European or African, Xhosa or Afrikaans, ANC or NP. Young or old, it didn’t matter. On that day, the 27th of April 1994, we were all, simply, South Africans.

There were other examples of unity demonstrated over the years - in particular, the outpouring of generosity in response to the brutal attacks on foreigners last year. When Bishop Paul Verryn put out the call to Methodist Churches to provide assistance, little did we realise that we would be working with organisations as diverse as the Red Cross, Doctors Without Frontiers, and the Human Rights Commission, not to mention Christians from every church imaginable from Anglican to Zionist. At one stage I even received a call from the Johannesburg Muslim Charitable Association. Don’t ask me how they got my number, but someone told them that there’s “a guy from the Methodist Church with a bakkie”, and they contacted me to let me know that they could give me as much tinned food as I could carry. A Hindu family filled me up with baby food, disposable nappies, and toilet rolls. Bedfordview Methodist Church had their entire hall piled from floor to ceiling with donated items – clothes, food, you name it – for three weeks solid. Just as fast as we were distributing items to those in need, so more kept coming in.

Sadly, there are just as many instances where we display our complete lack of unity - even today. Some of my fellow Phase Ones have experienced the most humiating experiences, perpetrated within our very own church! One colleague is stationed in a very remote area - the Superintendent of his Circuit is based about 100km away. The church at which he is stationed is attended by farm workers, the majority of whom happen to be black. Four hundred metres away is another church, attended by the farm owners, all of whom are white. This church does not have a minister, only a lay pastoral assistant. However, my colleague cannot serve the Lord’s Supper in the “white” church, because the congregants refuse to receive Communion from a black minister.

Another colleague - a lady minister - also has a problem when it comes to serving communion. As probationers we are taught the words of institution, where the apostle Paul says that “for I have received from the Lord that which I have given to you”, and it is therefore normal for us to serve by taking the bread or the wafer from the plate and placing it in your outstretched hands. In this poor lady’s case, it’s considered “improper” for a man to receive Communion from a woman, so she is subjected to the humiliation of having to hold out the plate so that Mr. Macho Man can take his own Communion! I wonder to what extent he examined himself, as directed by the Apostle Paul, before presenting himself at the Lord's Table?

Isn't it funny how we can read the passage in Luke 10: 25-27, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind’; and ‘Love your neighbour as you love yourself’.”, yet ignore the true meaning thereof? We don’t have a problem with loving the Lord our God – or at least, we don’t think that we have a problem loving God. But we expose our lack of love for God by the way in which we show a lack of love for one another.

We say the words of the Lord’s Prayer – “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us”. Yet we don’t forgive. We hold grudges against each other for years – decades, even. And then we have the audacity to expect God’s forgiveness. But we’ve just asked God to forgive us with the same measure that we are prepared to forgive others. Our lack of fellowship with one another is cutting us off from fellowship with God – ironically, exactly in line with what we have prayed! Perhaps we will think a little bit more about what we are saying, next time we pray the Lord’s Prayer?

We need to realise that there’s a hurting world out there that is crying out for love. People need a place where they can belong, and feel loved and accepted. Where they won’t be discriminated against or looked down upon because they are poor, or a different colour, or old, or young, or speak a different language, or are gay, or divorced, or are HIV-positive. Where whatever need they have can never surpass the love of Christ, as shown through His people. Where they can feel “how good, and how pleasant it is, for brethren to dwell together in unity”.

The question is, is that place in our churches?

Presenting Jesus in a different way

On Easter Sunday we had a sunrise service in Uitenhage, held at the Cannon Hill Memorial. It was a wonderful, if somewhat sparsely attended service - funny how the duvet seems to cling to most people a bit harder than for some!

It was a service that no-one could really ignore, what with the Salvation Army worship team leading. The "wakey-wakey" fanfare blasted out on the trumpet as the sun was rising was a reminder to the world that we need to be awakened to the fact that Jesus has risen - He is risen indeed!

A sad part for me was the condition of the memorial itself. Like many such structures nowadays, it has been vandalised somewhat, with a few columns missing from the balustrade surrounding the observation deck. Still, it provided a wonderful view of Uitenhage at dawn.

It also provided another interesting view, as pictured above. It seems that the observation deck is also a place where some of the locals go for a drink or two (three, six?). This is probably quite hazardous, but then again, the stairs are fairly narrow so I suppose that a drunk person would fall down the stairs in a reasonably "controlled" manner. And with this in mind, some intrepid evangelist placed this picture of Jesus strategically under the empty beer cans.

Given that many of the most spectacular conversions to Jesus that I have seen have been among drunk people - most of whom have never touched booze again once they've been filled with a different kind of Spirit - this is probably a most effective way to spread the Gospel. Please pray that those who venture up to the observation deck will see this picture, and be touched by the love of Christ.

Also washing feet ...

The title of this post is in response to a post over on Jenny's blog, in which she deals with her current context's version of the traditional Tenebrae, or foot-washing, service.

Last night at Emmanuel I had a brief chat with the Society Stewards concerning the order of proceedings this evening. Because (much to my discomfort) there is a bit of a "hierarchy" within the local Church, I felt that in order to emphasise the illustration of servanthood given to us by our Lord Jesus Christ, I would wash the feet of the stewards first, then together we would wash the feet of the congregation.

My message will be on the two things that Jesus instituted around the time of the Last Supper - the act and example of servanthood in washing the feet of the disciples, and the ultimate act of servanthood and sacrifice as the first Communion was held - a precursor to the broken body and shed blood that Jesus would suffer, which we need to remember not only when we come to the Lord's Table but at all times in our Christian walk.

I really honestly believe that if we are willing to submit to God and to one another with a servant heart, God will use us mightily for the sake of the Kingdom. Please pray for this service.

Why do I want to become a Methodist minister?

Sometimes it is so difficult to put into words just what it means to be called to the ministry - especially when one tries to narrow it down to why I believe I'm called to be a minister in this particular church, at this time, in this way.

So this testimony of Rev Dr Knut Heim, a Methodist minister in the UK, which was delivered shortly before his own ordination as a minister back in 2001, really hit the spot for me. If only we could all be true to this call, as expressed in these wonderful words...

What’s it all about? – It’s all about Jesus. Why do I want to become a minister, and one of the Methodist variety at that? Called to be a fisher of men and women, boys and girls. A royal priest, a saint, a holy man, God’s own, a servant, yes, a slave of God; a bishop, a shepherd, a leader, an overseer, a steward, a servant, a father, a mother, a presbyter, an elder, a vicar, a vicarius Dei, a representative of God, a messenger, an ambassador, a divine postman, a builder in the house of God, a living sacrifice. Why? What’s it all about? – It’s all about Jesus.

When the glory and the honour, the clerical shirt and the collar, the cassock and the alb, the stole and the hood, the power and the prestige are stripped away, and it’s simply me ... it’s all about Jesus. I want to bring something that’s of worth, something that’ll last, something that’ll bring joy to Jesus' heart — a treasure in heaven.

I want to bring more than a sermon, more than a prayer, more than a saved soul, more than a sacrament, more than a house or hospital visit, more than a wedding, more than a funeral, more than an offering, more than a committee meeting, more than a service to the community, for all that in itself is not what he’s required. Don’t get me wrong, I want to bring all that; but I want to bring more than that.

I am rich with many treasures, spiritual and otherwise. We are all rich in so many ways. Yet we have these treasures in jars of clay – yes, we have all, not only feet of clay, but hearts of clay, ambitions of clay, jobs of clay, cars of clay, houses of clay, relationships of clay – all that’s best, we have life’s treasures in clay. How quickly does it fade away ... how quickly do our dreams evaporate in the stark light of reality, how quickly does that job for life drop into the deep abyss of broken promises, how quickly do our cars rust and rot away under the gnawing teeth of time, how quickly does the mortar crumble from the wall, the paint of our facades become faint and shabby. How precariously perched are our closest relationships on the ragged edge of estrangement, the cliff of indifference, the dagger of divorce, knocked about by outside pressures and undermined by the teeth of temptation.

What’s it all about? It’s all about Jesus. I’m coming back to the heart of my calling, and it’s all about him, Jesus. I’m coming back to the heart of our ministry, and I’m sorry for the thing we’ve made it, when it’s all about him, Jesus. How sweet the name of Jesus sounds in my ear: it soothes my sorrows, heals my wounds and drives away my fear. Jesus: he makes my wounded spirit whole, he calms my troubled breast, he feeds my famined soul, gives me, when weary, rest. Jesus! My Shepherd, Brother, Friend, my Prophet, Priest, and King, My Lord, my Life, my Way, my End. Or let me say it with the words of St. Bernard of Clairvaux: "The name of Jesus is both light and nourishment ... As honey to the taste, as melody in the ear, as songs of gladness in the heart, so is the name of Jesus. And medicine it is as well ... Nothing but the name of Jesus can restrain the impulse of anger, repress the swelling of pride, cure the wound of envy, bridle the onslaught of luxury, extinguish the flame of lust – can temper avarice, and put to flight impure thoughts. For when I name the name of Jesus, I call to mind at once a Man meek and lowly of heart, benign, pure, temperate, merciful; a Man conspicuous for every honourable and saintly quality; and also in the same Person the Almighty God – so that He both restores me to health by His example and renders me strong by His assistance."

When I survey the wondrous cross, On which the Prince of Glory died, See from his head, his hands, his feet, sorrow and love flow mingled down; Did e’er such love and sorrow meet, Or thorns compose so rich a crown? Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all.

The church believes that "the chief responsibility of the ordained ministry is to assemble and build up the body of Christ by proclaiming and teaching the Word of God, by celebrating the sacraments, and by guiding the life of the community in its worship, its mission and its caring ministry". Yet, we must see the ordained ministry from the perspective of the calling of the whole people of God. We are all called to worship, learning and teaching, service and evangelism.

What Jesus has done for us, what he has given to us and what he has become for us is beyond comparison. It’s all about him, Jesus. Jesus is the light that illumines our dark world, this vale of tears. He is the one who has given us the Holy Spirit, the triune God’s powerful presence within us and among us, enabling us to live life to the full ... if and when we live for him. Jesus has given us freedom to live life the right way round, with a goal and a purpose. We are rich in him. He has given us life’s treasures in abundance.

God has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God shining in the face of Christ — it’s all about Jesus. And when we have Jesus, when we live in the light, then God’s supreme power is at work in us: Even when troubled, we are not crushed; in doubt? Yes, but never in despair; surrounded by enemies, yes: but never without a friend; and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed. Jesus has given us a life worth living and dying for. What’s it all about? - It’s all about Jesus. Love so amazing, so divine, demands our soul, our life, our all. And so I want this testimony to be an invitation to you, to give your life to Jesus anew, to join me in the words of Charles Wesley’s great hymn:

"I would the precious time redeem, And longer live for this alone:
To spend, and to be spent, for them who have not yet my Saviour known;
Fully on these my mission prove, and only breathe, to breathe thy love.
My talents, gifts and graces, Lord, into thy blessèd hands receive;
And let me live to preach thy word, And let me to thy glory live;
My every sacred moment spend, In publishing the sinner’s friend."

Amen.

Amen, indeed!

Reflections on relationships

One of the hardships that I have to come to terms with as a Phase One probationer is the fact that I am in Uitenhage, and my family has had to remain in Johannesburg. I have to confess that being on my own was great for the first couple of weeks, as it gave me time to adjust to the new routine of ministry, Phase One college, etc. After that, it became just plain miserable!

So it was with a degree of anticipation that I flew up to Johannesburg last week. Granted, it wasn’t under the best of circumstances, being as it was to attend my late father-in-law’s funeral, but the thought of being able to spend even 24 hours with my wife was one that lifted the spirits somewhat.

Having now returned to Uitenhage, it struck me yesterday that a marriage relationship is like building a sandcastle. If you don’t keep working at it, shaping it, adding more sand, and protecting it from the ocean, it will be eroded and eventually disappear altogether.

One of the things that I realised is that, having been married for just over 17 years, one goes through various stages in a marriage. There’s the foundation stage, where you get used to living under the same roof, and this is usually when one has the “Mother of All Wars” over something trivial like whether the toilet seat should be left up or down. (I found this out the hard way when my new bride got up at 4 am to go to the loo, and plonked her derriere down on the cold porcelain, because some thoughtless, selfish so-and-so left the seat up…)

But gradually a couple grows together, to the point where Belinda and I now finish each other’s sentences – correctly! I remember the one time the two of us had arrived at a home cell meeting, and as we were walking in, Belinda was busting my chops by saying, “You’ve left the goodie in the whatzername again”, to which I replied, “No, I did not leave my Bible in the car – here it is!” Our fellow cell members thought that she had received the gift of tongues, and me the gift of interpretation!

On this particular visit back to Johannesburg, however, I got a sense that there was a bit of “rebuilding” to do. Something from our relationship sandcastle had been eroded by the ocean of time. Now don’t read too much into this statement – we aren’t heading for the divorce courts! In fact, it wasn’t even something that would give rise to a disagreement. However, there was a feeling that, somehow, we needed to get back to where we were in our relationship – it’s as though we had slipped back from Year 17 to about Year 15.

In two weeks’ time my family will be joining me in Uitenhage for a while (just 15 more sleeps – yay!), and the rebuilding process will be able to take place. But spare a thought for those ministers – even those who are ordained – who, through circumstances, are apart from their spouses, sometimes for years at a stretch. What happens to those relationships? We wail and gnash our teeth when we hear of a minister getting divorced, but could this be a contributing factor?

I’m thankful that God has helped me recognise so early in my ministry that time apart DOES have an eroding effect on one’s relationship. This revelation has helped me to realise that I need to work even harder at my marriage, especially during the short times that we are together. But this is yet another thing that one doesn’t learn in textbooks. No-one tells you about these things. And if the Church DOES provide support for ministers in this situation, we are not told where to find such support.

What has been the experience of other ministers who have been stationed in places where their families could not join them? How did they cope? Did they have similar experiences to those that I have described here? And did the church provide any support? If so, where does one go, or who does one speak to? Comments – please!

Let's get upset!

John 2: 13 - 22

At this morning's services, my message depicted Jesus as a "whistle-blower" - the one who raises their voice against injustice and corrupt practices. Now whistle-blowers are not the most popular people around. They are not popular with those whom they expose, for obvious reasons.

Less obvious is the fact that they are not popular with those around them, either. This probably stems from our history, where those who would betray those who participated in the struggle against apartheid to the security forces were branded as "impimpis" - tattletales, or stooges. Judas Iscariot would have been regarded as an "impimpi" of his day when he agreed to betray Jesus.

There is however this feeling of "impimpi" in most of us. Witness the situation when someone goes to a restaurant and their meal is served cold, or the order is wrong. No matter how gently and tactfully the person complains, there are always some who regard the complainant as an idiot, "making a scene" for nothing.

This is probably one of the main reasons why service levels in South Africa are so diabolical - because for the most part, we simply put up with it!

But there is a huge difference between an "impimpi" and a "whistle-blower". The whistle-blower is in fact a person of tremendous courage. For it is the whistle-blower who spots corrupt practices, and speaks out against them. It will be the whistle-blower who ends up reporting to the Competition Commission those involved in price collusion. If you are boasting around the braai about how clever you are in screwing SARS out of tax on your car allowance, it is often the whistle-blower who will be the cause of a nasty "please explain" letter from SARS landing in your postbox with a resounding thud.

So when Jesus cleared out the Temple, it wasn't with a quiet approach to the high priest: "Ahem ... please could you keep the noise down here; we're trying to worship", it was kicking over tables, whip in hand, yelling and sending money, livestock, and people scattering in all directions. I likened it to someone walking into church on Easter Sunday, kicking over pews, slapping the preacher, and barricading the parking lot. You'd better have VERY good reasons for doing something this drastic - as Jesus undoubtedly did.

This is not the "gentle Jesus, meek and mild" - that countenance is reserved, as the prayer continues, for the Jesus Who "looks upon this little child". These were not innocent little children in this case - they were mean, corrupt, manipulating so-called "leaders" who were using a practical need - the requirement to exchange currency - into an oppressive system designed to unjustly enrich those who are charged with its administration. They deserved the whip!

Now this is not a Scriptural licence to indiscriminately throw our toys out the cot at every turn. Jonah had the type of anger that festered and burned, resulting in God asking Jonah, "Do you have good reason to be angry?" (Jonah 4:4, New American Standard Bible). Sometimes it's not for us to be angry - such anger is reserved for God alone. But sometimes we need to be filled with a righteous anger - an anger that wells up when we see injustice, and motivates us to bring about a change.

What about us as ministers? Do we expose corrupt practices, both within as well as outside the Church? Or do we keep quiet, not wanting to be seen as ecclesiastical "impimpis"? Or even worse - are we active participants in such practices? If we are following Option 1, our reward will be to hear Jesus saying, "well done, good and faithful servant". If Option 2, we need to repent quickly. And if Option 3, we should not be surprised if we feel the lashes of Jesus' whip, just as those in the Temple did on that fateful day.

Being a whistle-blower does not come without a cost. But if our Lord was prepared to pay that price, shouldn't we be as well?

I closed my message with this quote from Daniel Schowalter, professor of religion and classics at Carthage College in Wisconsin, USA, who writes that “Jesus in John’s Gospel is meant to be a controversial figure – certainly uncomfortable to be around! During Lent, comfort is not a priority. It may be that an encounter with the whip-bearing Jesus of John 2 is just the thing to prompt believers into asking anew the age-old questions; re-acquainting themselves with the dynamic, challenging, controversial Jesus. And deciding again what it means to follow Him”.

Lord Jesus, help us to recognise when it is appropriate for us to be angry. Help us to pick our fights carefully. Allow us to be motivated by the Holy Spirit, and used as Your hands and feet to bring about change where there is injustice in the world.

Trying to remain true to one's calling

I mentioned in a previous post about the Learning Partnership (LP) workshop that I attended this morning. For those who are unfamiliar with Methodist jargon, an LP is a group of primarily lay persons drawn from the probationer's local context, whose aim is to assist the probationer in training towards achieving certain goals. These can be spiritual, physical, or a combination thereof. An LP can also serve as a sounding-board for the probationer, and is a forum where constructive feedback may be given.

It all sounds so wonderful, and I am most grateful that in my own Circuit the people who are members of my LP are committed people who sincerely want to help me and support me in this first phase of ministry. However, this is unfortunately not the experience that all probationers feel, and my heart bled for one fellow probationer who had to attend the workshop on her own. Now I don't want to be unfair to her Circuit - after all, it IS a long way to travel in this particular case, and many people may have had prior commitments or have to work on a Saturday morning.

But as I was sitting in the workshop this morning, I had an overwhelming sense of isolation. A large part of this is that my family is not around to share these experiences with me. Perhaps Barry Marshall's comment to the lay folk that "you are all at home, but your probationer is in many cases not at home" really hit hard as he illustrated the reality of being separated from family. But part of it is a sense of isolation from the wider Church.

The uncertainty of what will happen in 2010 concerning College / Circuit, and for how many years I'll be in either one of these two situations really eats away at me at times. For instance, if I am going to College next year, well so be it. My preference would undoubtedly be to continue in Circuit, not because I have a problem with seminary education, but because of my own stage in life. However, we made a promise to go where we are sent, and so I will honour whatever the Church decides. My problem is the whole uncertainty around the decision (or, at this stage, lack of decision).

For instance, if I am sent to College, but only for one year, then it would be virtually impossible for my family to relocate with me. My son would be in Grade 6 next year, and if he were to change schools for one year, he would then have to settle in a new primary school for another year and then have to change a third time as he starts high school. The downside of this would be that I'm not sure that I could handle being apart from my family for a second year - this year is rough enough, and we're only in mid-March.

On the other hand, if it is for two or three years, then we could reunite as a family. Granted, my son will still have to change school after two years, but he would have had to do this to start high school, regardless of what my ministry situation is. So that we can deal with. However, one needs to make a decision about this fairly soon, since a relocation of this nature would entail the sale of my house in Johannesburg - not something that one can initiate and complete in a couple of weeks, especially in the current economic climate. Renting it out is not an option, as I could not see myself stressing about what tenants may be doing to my property; whether they will pay the rent; etc. - especially if I am located some distance away.

The other concern is that if I am sent to College, there is apparently accommodation provided. Whether such accommodation can house my wife, son, mother, and her parents as well is another story - a burden I would regard as completely unfair to place at the Church's door. At least in a Circuit manse, one could make a plan as such manses tend to be quite large in most cases.

My frustration is however two-fold.

Firstly, I cannot believe that there is absolutely NO-ONE in the ENTIRE MCSA that has an idea of the expected outcomes of sending probationers to College, or what the criteria would be for one, two, or three years. We're spending nearly R100 million on a new seminary, for crying out loud - I can't believe that this would be done in a vacuum. Good stewardship principles dictate that there MUST be a body or bodies of persons who have been entrusted with such planning, and I have no doubt that this would be the case with the new seminary. Surely there must be SOME information that can be shared with probationers, if only to put our minds at rest as to what the Church plans to do with us for the next few years?

Secondly, I get extremely frustrated with statements made in reports to Conference expressing concern about separation of ministers from their families, yet almost without exception our stationing reflects the opposite of such stated concerns. Too many ministers are relocated without apparent concern for their family situations. My previous Superintendent, for instance, is stationed in Johannesburg while his wife has had to remain in Klerksdorp. She is a school principal there, and anyone who knows the government school system will be aware that getting a teacher's post in a new centre is problematic enough, but getting a principal's post is virtually impossible. So Itumeleng and his wife take it in turns to commute about 400km each weekend, just so they can spend SOME time together! He's never complained, but I know he's taken major strain over the past three years because of this. And it's just not right! It's not healthy for a married couple to live this way, and a minister called to preach the Gospel should especially not have to live this way!

Now I don't want the folks at Uitenhage to read this and feel that I am being ungrateful - on the contrary, I am extremely grateful for the love and hospitality that they have shown to me. My local Circuit has given me everything I could possibly need in order to exercise my call, and I'll never take that for granted. On the other hand, I was living 15km away from a Phase One centre - it's not like there was no other option but to send me 1000km away. I understand that there may be an element of spiritual formation that comes from a relocation of this nature, and I'd feel a whole lot better if someone could explain to me just what that is.

I'm also aware that many reading this blog will say I'm being unfair, and probably with some justification. After all, I knew what I was in for when I candidated; many others before me have gone through this and survived; I can't expect the Church to rearrange its entire programme to accommodate me; etc, etc. All these things are true. But I need to rant SOMEWHERE, or I'll go insane.

And right now - probably another unfair statement, I know, but allow me this indulgence - I feel that the Church is not listening to our cries. I say "our" cries, because while I may be the most vocal about this, I'm not the only one who is feeling this way. Some of my fellow Phase Ones are really, really hurting right now. Many of us cry ourselves to sleep most nights. Watching couples in Church on Sunday, holding hands, rips our hearts in two.

I really love God. I love His church, and I am still in awe that God would call a stubborn, opinionated, hotheaded "hardegat" like me to serve Him in full-time ministry. But why, oh why, Lord, does it hurt SO badly sometimes? And why can't our Church, to whom we are dedicating our lives, give us some answers?

(PS: The logo above is not intended to depict a broken Church, but right now it reflects my broken heart as one trying to fulfil one's calling within this Church that God has called me to)

I'm sick!

This week I came down with a cold - apparently I'm the 3rd or 4th one at college to come down with one, but I can't quite remember. Anyway, I'm being a typical male baby about it, and I really wish that my dear wife was with me to plump my pillows, administer muti, dab my sweaty brow, and generally make the right "ag shame" noises to sustain me until I've shaken off this nasty thing!

I ... JUST ... DON'T ... LIKE ... BEING ... SICK!

Gotta love blogs. They provide a platform to rant as much as you like - something I can't necessary do with my congregation. Cowboys don't cry (especially from their pulpits), and that sort of thing...

Fortunately, I'm taking heed of advice that a GP gave me many years ago. He said that if he loads me up with all manners of medication, I'll shake the thing off in 7 days. If he does nothing, it'll take a week. So I'm dosing myself up with "Wood's Great Peppermint Cure" (now R21.95 a bottle - eish! It used to be eight bucks when I first got married), throwing an extra blanket on the bed, and sweating it out. I'll be back to full tilt next week. Promise!

To pray, or not to pray...

This morning I woke up with a heavy heart. My Superintendent is out of town this weekend, and I was wrestling with thoughts that something might have happened to him. I don't know what would have made me think this, but I just couldn't clear my mind - even as we started worship this morning.

By the time we came to the end of worship and prepared to receive the offering, the burden became so heavy that I actually thought I was about to have a heart attack. Thankfully we have a prayer team, whose task it is each week is to spend the entire duration of the service praying for the service itself, the congregation, and whatever God may lay on their hearts.

I must admit that they looked somewhat bewildered when I burst into the vestry where they normally pray, but as I shared this burden on my heart with them, they immediately agreed that we should pray. As we were praying, I felt the burden easing, and by the time we had finished praying, I knew that we had done what we had to do.

I'm still not sure why my heart was so heavy this morning. Since I haven't seen Bill yet, I haven't been able to chat to him about it. But I would rather pray when I'm not supposed to pray, than not pray when I AM supposed to pray!

What happens when you try to please everybody

I found this cool post over on Chuck's Musings. Very apt when ministering in a cross-cultural context.

A Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said: "You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?"

So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: "See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides."

So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn't gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: "Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along."

Well, the Man didn't know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said: "Aren't you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours? Making it carry both you, and your hulking son, is cruel!"

The Man and Boy got off and tried to think what to do. They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey's feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders. They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle, all three fell from the bridge into the river, and drowned.

You can please some of the people all of the time, and you can please all of the people some of the time, but you just can't please all of the people all of the time.