Needing renewal

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit." (Psalm 51: 10-12, KJV)

Events of the past couple of days have left me feeling cynical and negative - a feeling I'm experiencing far too much lately, making me into the kind of person I don't want to become.

Sometimes I really don't understand why certain decisions are made the way that they are - particularly when so many people have been praying for a different outcome. I'm not at liberty to elaborate too much at this stage, since the decision I'm referring to will only be finalised by the end of this week. But unless something drastic happens, the news I heard yesterday is likely to be the final outcome.

Rod Burton, who is leading our anti-bias sessions at Phase One college, struck a nerve when he asked us whether we are feeling "violated" at the moment. His question ias in the context of our theological development, where one often feels like we are being "taken apart so that we can be put back together again", but to be honest I am feeling violated, abused, robbed, and cheated in so many different ways.

I'm probably also being unfair, selfish, and an all-round pain in the arse. And this needs to change. And the feeling of deep hurt I'm feeling inside - that needs to change too. Time, much prayer and reflection, and (hopefully) a cool head will (Lord willing) bring about the healing I need.

Lord, please give me the grace to accept Your will, as well as the decisions made by the Church concerning my stationing in 2010. Help me to honour the promises I made at my candidature, and to be true to the calling You placed on my heart.